When there are 2 easy kids,

it is so easy to get through the day and stay in the moment. With Liz, there was no escape. Only resentment. Now I see why I wanted to work and couldn't work because so much time and energy was taken from me. There was no where to go and no where to hide. Scott got to leave and I couldn't. He could escape. Now that I can peaceably enjoy the day without wishing I were somewhere else, I can understand what was happening.

NOW IS THE TIME TO START

putting it in writing. I have spent months trying to figure out how to organize and put it down. So start now.

This time away has been good for me because

i have been able to clear my thoughts through the fog of caous. It is giving me time to think about being a better parent and finally do the things i dream of but cant do because i didnt have the time or energy or focus to do them. I want to be a great parent and have my efforts become successful rather than what feels like failure most of the time. I want to fast forwrd ten years and see that all this hard work payed off. I think this time without daily stress will make me a better mother wife and peson.

The only way that we can make changes when Liz

comes home is if we make the changes before she gets home. I want to make changes all around, including my work and my personal stuff. There are so many things I want to accomplish, including my weight, school, work, the house, crafts, projects long overdue. I notice that even with Liz gone, I am not able to organize and stay focused. My wish is that I can create a schedule and stick to it. I wish I can start something and finish it without getting in my way. I am trying CBT, but the risk is that I will not finish that either.

Dearest LIzzy, I am writing you daily on a blog that

I started a few months ago. I wanted to keep a journal of all of the changes we are going to make as a family, including me. It is Sunday and I am thinking of you. I am thinking about all of the good changes we are going to make when you come home.
I love you more!!
Mom

There are some books that I want to read

together with Liz when she comes home. I was cleaning the living room and found a few American Girl Books on growing up and friendships and I am planning to read them together with Liz so we can talk about making friends and dealing with this time of our lives where we are growing up so fast. If we read the books together, we can talk about the stories and the feelings together. This will help us get close.
I love LIzzybell!!!

Dearest Liz, You are right. I do treat you different

than the other girls when it comes to discipline. I have been thinking about it a lot lately. Especially since you have been gone and the girls rooms are messy and they do not pick up after themselves. Once I started thinking about this I promised myself that things are going to be different when you come home. I also talked to the girls right away. I told them that I thought that I was harder on you, or that I let all the girls get away with being disrespectful to our belongings but got mad at you more sometimes.

There are a lot of reasons for this happening. You contribute more because you take more food back to your room and you make a bigger mess in your room. But what I realized was that no matter if you are messy more or less than the girls, everyone should treat their rooms and the play room the same. Also, I think that the way you react is different. Maybe this is the way that you have always behaved and we do not like the way you react to us. We are hoping that you will learn a better way to talk to us and react to us when you are upset or when we ask you to do something you do not want to do.

So this morning, while the girl's rooms were messy and they had not put away the toys, I told them that from now on they had to be treated the same and that I would expect everyone to make sure to take care of the toys and their rooms. So, when you come home, we are all going to be treated the same. I want you to know that I love you and miss you more than you know and when you come home, we are all going to treat each other with respect, including how I treat all of you kids. You are my world and and I want you to learn how to talk to me better and to be able to express your feelings and not be angry when you express your feelings and for all of us to talk about how we all should treat each other and listen to each other's feelings.
I love you mom!!