I AM IN THE PROCESS OF CREATING A LIFESTYLE PLAN

that hopefully I can use to help me make the serious changes that I passionalty want to make. I took one of my first steps two days ago by calling the head of the eating disorder department here at Duke to see if I could meet her. She said YES!! and I am going to try to meet her next week!! Step two - call Dr. Kaye.

IT HAS BEEN A WHILE - I GUESS IT IS GOING TO TAKE LONGER

than a year to get my act together. The newest thing going on in my life is that I am sitting at a computer at the Duke Diet and Fitness Center because my lifestyle is in a spiral dissent and I am gaining weight and having anxiety. I still am not managing my stress and life very well and I am still looking or trying to figure out how I can move in another direction. Stay tuned, more to come.

When there are 2 easy kids,

it is so easy to get through the day and stay in the moment. With Liz, there was no escape. Only resentment. Now I see why I wanted to work and couldn't work because so much time and energy was taken from me. There was no where to go and no where to hide. Scott got to leave and I couldn't. He could escape. Now that I can peaceably enjoy the day without wishing I were somewhere else, I can understand what was happening.

NOW IS THE TIME TO START

putting it in writing. I have spent months trying to figure out how to organize and put it down. So start now.

This time away has been good for me because

i have been able to clear my thoughts through the fog of caous. It is giving me time to think about being a better parent and finally do the things i dream of but cant do because i didnt have the time or energy or focus to do them. I want to be a great parent and have my efforts become successful rather than what feels like failure most of the time. I want to fast forwrd ten years and see that all this hard work payed off. I think this time without daily stress will make me a better mother wife and peson.

The only way that we can make changes when Liz

comes home is if we make the changes before she gets home. I want to make changes all around, including my work and my personal stuff. There are so many things I want to accomplish, including my weight, school, work, the house, crafts, projects long overdue. I notice that even with Liz gone, I am not able to organize and stay focused. My wish is that I can create a schedule and stick to it. I wish I can start something and finish it without getting in my way. I am trying CBT, but the risk is that I will not finish that either.

Dearest LIzzy, I am writing you daily on a blog that

I started a few months ago. I wanted to keep a journal of all of the changes we are going to make as a family, including me. It is Sunday and I am thinking of you. I am thinking about all of the good changes we are going to make when you come home.
I love you more!!
Mom

There are some books that I want to read

together with Liz when she comes home. I was cleaning the living room and found a few American Girl Books on growing up and friendships and I am planning to read them together with Liz so we can talk about making friends and dealing with this time of our lives where we are growing up so fast. If we read the books together, we can talk about the stories and the feelings together. This will help us get close.
I love LIzzybell!!!

Dearest Liz, You are right. I do treat you different

than the other girls when it comes to discipline. I have been thinking about it a lot lately. Especially since you have been gone and the girls rooms are messy and they do not pick up after themselves. Once I started thinking about this I promised myself that things are going to be different when you come home. I also talked to the girls right away. I told them that I thought that I was harder on you, or that I let all the girls get away with being disrespectful to our belongings but got mad at you more sometimes.

There are a lot of reasons for this happening. You contribute more because you take more food back to your room and you make a bigger mess in your room. But what I realized was that no matter if you are messy more or less than the girls, everyone should treat their rooms and the play room the same. Also, I think that the way you react is different. Maybe this is the way that you have always behaved and we do not like the way you react to us. We are hoping that you will learn a better way to talk to us and react to us when you are upset or when we ask you to do something you do not want to do.

So this morning, while the girl's rooms were messy and they had not put away the toys, I told them that from now on they had to be treated the same and that I would expect everyone to make sure to take care of the toys and their rooms. So, when you come home, we are all going to be treated the same. I want you to know that I love you and miss you more than you know and when you come home, we are all going to treat each other with respect, including how I treat all of you kids. You are my world and and I want you to learn how to talk to me better and to be able to express your feelings and not be angry when you express your feelings and for all of us to talk about how we all should treat each other and listen to each other's feelings.
I love you mom!!

Part of Liz's journey is for me to

write down how I may have had a part in her formative years and what behaviors she learned from me. I remember that during a time in her life when she should have been developing calm and listening ears, she was watching me lose it because Scott was not supportive or around and was dealing with his own stuff. He worked late, he wanted to work late and advance his career and didn't make being home and cooperating a priority in his life. I met this resistance to us with frustration and anger. I did not know how to cope and I took it out on myself and everyone. How I coped would not have made a difference in Scott's behavior, he viewed any passive behaviors as a concession and giving in to what he wanted. But it would have made a difference in Lizzy. She would not have seen my lack of coping skills and would have learned how to cope properly in the face of adversity.

Now I know that I have to address this with her and talk about what happened, even if she cannot remember. Even if Scott was the catalyst for my behaviors, I need to take responsibilty for what effect the behaviors had on the children.

I started reading M. Beck's book on using Cognitive Behavior

Therapy (CBT) as a way to change your thought and change your life relating to eating habits and dieting. The book instructed me to write on an index card each day for 2 weeks affirmations and read them every day to help me change my thinking about losing weight. The second day was interesting. She said to be aware of all of the times we eat standing up and write a card about it. After I did that, I was uncomfortable each time I put something in my mouth while I was standing up. The goal is to notice the behavior first and then notice it enough to change it. I think CBT for anything is better than psychotherapy. Now I am going to finally register for fall classes to embark on my next journey into the MSW program.

Journaling Lizzy's journey at SUWS for the next four weeks

A year of making a difference includes helping everyone in the family find their way so that we all can be happy. So much of what I went through over the last four years included dealing with the trials and tribulations of our children. Each child has been going through their own individual issues. Now we are addressing Liz's issues. We took her to SUWS this week which is a wilderness therapeutic outdoor program designed to help children with ADHD and oppositional defiance and other issues that get in the way of helping the child make good choices and making friends. We have been trying to help LIz at home but we (I should say, me because Scott isn't so sure) believe that this program will help her.

As part of Liz's program, they asked us to write in a journal. So I am going to use this Blog as my journal because there is so much going on- hopefully lots of personal changes that are going to make a difference in my life.

So here is the first entry, thought that I have.
Last year when we were dealing with Holly's eating, the professionals wanted us to send her to a treatment center and I fought the idea and believed that Holly needed to be treated in the home. I found Family Based treatment, A/K/A Maudsley and we learned it and the program helped Holly enormously. Scott make the comment yesterday that Liz's program is similar to what they wanted us to do for Holly and that we were willing to let Liz leave the home for as long as 8 weeks, if that is recommended. I woke up this morning thinking about that comment and said to Scott that there is a difference. In Lizzy's case, she has to be treated outside of the home because her behaviors were disrupting the family. Holly's behaviors of not eating was not disrupting the family and there was no harm to the other members of the family by her staying. Also Holly was receptive to treatment in the home and she was able to change her behavior rather quickly. For Liz, we have been trying to work with her for at least 4 years with no success. If it took that long to help Holly, we would probably have to send her to treatment also. I need to make sure that I share that thought with Liz when the time comes because I am sure she is thinking the same thing and questioning my decision to send her out of the home for help.

March 15, 2009

Well, it has been a while but I am buzy and have tried to maintain my goal of doing one thing a day to meet my goal of making a difference. The unfortunate thing is that I do not have to time to stay organized and create a routine and structure for myself, which is the most important thing I have to overcome (the disorganization and structure)

February 9, 2009

Question the journey while you are on it.
I finally made the reservation for the Maudsley training in California. I am getting my MSW and I am taking Maudsley training and I do not know what I am doing. Maria Shriver said at the 2007 California Women's Conference that you have to feel your way to the answer.

FEBRUARY 6, 2009

Ask for the grace to realize who you are adn the courage you will need to do so.
Today I will do something that will get me closer to my goal, maybe it's just buying the ticket to CA for the Maudsley training sessions.

February 5, 2009

let go of any anger or resentment you hold towaard someone who helped sow the seeds of your bad habit.

If I know it is a bad habit, and i know the origin of the bad hadbit, what difference does it make if i know that i have to change to be the person i want to be?

test your intelligence by challenging it

i am helping Holly write an essay. The topic is People who Influenced change or creativity or something like that. She wanted to pick someone obvious that she already had learned about and i told her not to. i did my own research and found two options for her. Both women and both instrumental in social reform and two women whose quotes are ageless and timeless.

February 4, 2009

I gave up writing the day numbers because obviously i am not writing in the journal everday.
I am going to start writing quotes in the subject lines from now on and write what that means to me and how it relates to what happened to me that day.

Day 11

Today I am going back to school to get a degree in social work. I think merging law a social work will give me the ability to make change.

Day 9

i re-read the poem - The Road Less Traveled today and really tried to understand it as a writer and think about the powerful words and what they meant to me. My understanding today as I see it is that when I chose the road that I wasn't sure about or didn't yet understand was the harder road, that once down the road, there was no turning back. And now that I have been down the road less traveled, I can speak of it and try to explain it and understand the bigness (is that a word?) from traveling it.

Day 7 backwards

If you change the response, you change the behavior.

Day 8

"Have you ever had the experience of stopping so completely, of being in your body so completely, of being in your life so completely, that what you knew and what you didn't know, that what had been and what was yet to come, and the way things are right now, no longer held even the slightest hint of anxiety or discord, a moment of complete presence beyond striving, beyond mere acceptance, beyond the desire to escape or fix anything or plunge ahead, a moment of pure being, no longer in time, a moment of pure seeing, pure feeling, a moment in which life simply is, and that is-ness grabs you by all your senses, all your memories, by your very genes, by your loves, and welcomes you home, that is a taste of mindfulness."

Jon-Kabat Zinn

Day 5 Moving backwards a bit

Yesterday was a rough day because I couldn't shake my head ache. I believe that the head aches are associated with my stress levels and if the stress goes away, maybe the head aches will.

Day 6

Well, I already have skipped 2 days, I think. It is going to be a hard year for staying with this. Anyway, today's thought is: Make this week a productive one.

Day 4

The person who doesn't respond has all of the power. I am trying to figure how to apply this to my toxic relationship. when the perpetrator makes an attach seeking a response. It is important to have no response at all. She called and told me to call him because he was upset and couldn't sleep because he wanted the reality to be different and he suggested that she call. She called and said mean things, totally predictable,and my reaction was predictable. I was in a double bind and called thinking that I could call without responding. But of course, there was an opportunity to respond and I took it rather than taking the road less traveled. I should have not responded and called him when I had something to say. Because I reacted (responded) it is hard now to call when I want to rather than wait.